My Sustainable Love

Maybe

2010-08-27T22:04:00.006-04:00

I believe in people

the intention of perfection

the perfection of intention

I believe in moments

the change of heart

the heart of change

but most of all... for the first time in a long time...

I believe in myself

the length of which is as unknown as a future

I believe I am going to be okay. For the first time in a long time...

... this could be the climb back.

(maybe)

The Comeback

2010-06-01T23:24:00.004-04:00

I will be making a comeback very very soon. Tell all your friends. This will be huge!

It will be the same Sustainable Love you know with more passion and more Love!

It is all about the Love!

Believe It

2010-03-24T23:58:00.004-04:00

Just believe.

Still

2010-03-08T14:34:00.002-05:00

Well above freezing and the snow still solid
Corners without light still lack warmth
Hiding is still intolerable.
But relief resides in my head, it is just a matter of getting to it.

Eclipse Of The Heart

2010-03-05T13:57:00.001-05:00

Beautiful Graffiti

2010-02-20T22:00:00.003-05:00

Beauty Lies
It lies

Equity Bleeds
It bleeds

Hope Shines
It shines

Who Knows

2010-02-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

I don't even know why I do this...

Steps

2010-02-14T23:11:00.000-05:00

When I look back to see my footprints... All I see are my own.

It's Cold

2010-02-13T23:27:00.001-05:00

And I can't seem to get warm...

Could I?

2010-02-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

I don't think I could go without words.

Walk With Me

2010-02-11T23:06:00.000-05:00

And tell me everything will be alright.

Read Between The Vines

2010-02-10T21:22:00.002-05:00

See past yourself and remember the ones that you have left behind.
Your life isn't the only one on this earth so treat others well.
Look deep between the lines of their life and know that you know them better than they do.
Sometimes I stray because I know you know what I need.
Just because you are fine, doesn't mean that I am too.

The Cold Pepper

2010-02-09T22:13:00.002-05:00

Now starts a little series I want to do on the current weather conditions.
Many might not contain text, and some may. Most will probably contain stupid thoughts of the day.
But this is just something I want to do because it seems like we can't escape the snow right now!
Images daily.

These Days

2010-02-08T19:48:00.002-05:00

These days are wearing on me.
Each one with new weight.
These days are becoming so long but remain so short.
Each one with a new badge.

I can't help but fake it.
I can't help but need.

Contrast

2010-02-07T23:56:00.002-05:00

Contrast... not the kind that is black fighting white for space on a canvas.
Contrast... the kind that is beautifully simple and colorful.
Contrast... not the kind that drives us crazy.
Contrast... what brings the most out of each color without tampering with it.

Just To Enter My Door

2010-02-06T22:59:00.001-05:00

All the things that lead up to an open door.
All the distractions that keep us from walking in.
The bitter cold, and the seasonal snow.
Why do all these typical things keep us from just walking the path and walking in?

Yesterday

2010-02-05T17:26:00.000-05:00

Well I missed blogging yesterday because I was stranded in Damascus Ohio. It was all good though because I was snowed in after a good three hours of pick up basketball and another 4 hours of playing NBA 2K10 with Luke haha. So needless to say, this is a make up post. Yes, another stupid blog for the sake of posting without missing a day.

Excited

2010-02-04T23:20:00.002-05:00

What do I do now? I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am not letting myself screw this one up this time.

Visual Art Is The Music Of The Eyes

2010-02-03T23:47:00.003-05:00

Ugh, why do people always have to be defined by what they do.
Just argued with my brother (who is an engineering major) about how stupid he thinks art is.

It's not just the art that I think is important. It is the idea of being able to think creatively and figure our problems that way. Sure, math can figure out things, but art opens the realm to solve them in a aesthetically pleasing way.

I find it comical that people appreciate and love old and contemporary music but have no appreciation for visual art, like painting or digital media. Music is just a product of its time.

I think that visual art is the music of the eye. There used to be a day where painting was just the same as listening to your favorite song on the radio and loving it. Or going to an opening of an art exhibition was like going to see the newest blockbuster at the theater I guess I just like the history of art.

Ah, I do have a point right?!

I do beleive that visual art is still alive... as I watch tv and see all of these creative and visually appealing things... ha!

Coping Out

2010-02-02T22:15:00.003-05:00

Wow I have really been coping out lately (is that the correct usage of that term)... and I will again because my emotions are being drown in long days and busy work. So I will leave you with a thought.

Always make sure you take time to relax and enjoy at least a little part of your day.
Each day is a unique blessing and these days will never be mirrored.
This is something I don't do enough and I wish I did.
Think about just a little part of the day that made you smile.

Thanks!

Bright

2010-02-01T22:19:00.003-05:00

Too much light makes for a headache.
Brightness can be great if you were expecting it.
But if you weren't it makes for a headache.

Afraid

2010-01-31T19:14:00.002-05:00

Is it true that we are afraid of being afraid?
Am I really in a rut just because I am afraid of what perfection holds for me?
That has to be normal because this feels so right.
Fear has to be part of it all but little do I know that fear is case by case.
It is fear in scenarios that makes it serious.
I will fear things that I should.
But reality says it won't work that way.

Sweet Summertime

2010-01-30T22:22:00.002-05:00

Sweet summertime I want you to return.
Sweet summertime you can answer all my questions.
Sweet summertime keep me waiting because this time I am okay.

Return to me soon, visit me as if it were the first time.

The Love Of The Drive

2010-01-29T17:43:00.002-05:00

You drive me crazy and make me happy.
A fresh start with a chance to do things right.
I won't jump the gun and I will take my time.
Things will be good.

But with all this greatness there is still that agonizing reality of what makes up the rest of my life.
Hopefully I can make due.

Creativity

2010-01-28T21:26:00.002-05:00

"If you are not prepared to be wrong, you will never come up with anything original. Do we grow into creativity or do we grow out of it. Picasso once said that "we are all born artists, the only problem is staying an artist as we grow up." - Ken Robinson

Creativity IS important!

The Beauty Of Still

2010-01-27T15:28:00.003-05:00

The words move so fast that I can't even see them.
The colors all bleed into one and the lines become curves.

Simplify my world and help me see the beauty of still.
Simplify my life and reveal all there is to reveal.

Can't Take This

2010-01-26T22:46:00.005-05:00

I am really getting sick of things here.
Dealing with people who don't respect you.
Being treated like dirt because you aren't respected.
Not having someone to talk to about it all.
Just wanting to talk back and fight but knowing I have to keep my mouth shut because I know I am the bigger person.
Being yelled at for being calm and hearing excuses why his excuses are better.
I can not take this anymore.
How I hate bullies.
You are just like her.
I wish it all can end.

I could go on for hours.

Measure Me

2010-01-25T20:26:00.003-05:00

Measure me so you can figure out how many more reasons you need to leave.
Look at me so you can see everything I haven't become yet.
Tell me everything else I need to do to become your friend.

Even the creator of measurement designed us not to use it.
Measure oneself in the light of the Ruler to find the real measurement.
Don't worry about me. Worry about yourself.

Shade

2010-01-24T23:03:00.002-05:00

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path"

I am always viewing your light as if it were a typical lamp on my end table. The lampshade keeps me from straining my eyes from your intense light, it also keeps me from seeing the pure rays.

Is the lampshade keeping me from seeing you clearly or is your shade just protecting me from the limits of my own mind?

You Can

2010-01-23T22:20:00.003-05:00

You can take something that was once perceived as old and making it new.
You can take me from week to week and make me consistently stable.
You can a lot more than I thought you could. I will never underestimate again.

Waiting

2010-01-22T23:06:00.001-05:00

I am waiting to go. But dreading the time.
I want you to know. I am up in the air.
I still don't know. I still have time.
The end of this. Will be answered there.

Thoughts Of You

2010-01-21T23:19:00.001-05:00

I am just getting so tired from it all. I used to be able to stay awake long after I got home but lately I just come home and crash. Thoughts of you keep me awake when all I want to do is sleep. Thoughts of you are what tire me far beyond anything. Thoughts of you, how I dread, how I love.

Another Sky

2010-01-20T23:15:00.001-05:00

Another sky
Another sky
Start something new and I have yet to understand
Another sky
Another sky

Sports

2010-01-19T23:47:00.001-05:00

Sometimes enjoying something as simple as sports can be a nice escape from the reality of battle in everyday life. Yeah the nosebleed section could leave you with much to be desired but just being there is enough to make you forget about it all. I love sports and art. Yes I love it all.

Goals

2010-01-18T22:59:00.001-05:00

Some of us just need a goal to meet our needs.
Some of us just need to need to meet our goals.
I am both.
My goals are needed just as much as my needs.

I am finding my way. I still don't know where I am though.

Have I confused you yet?

Again

2010-01-17T17:53:00.001-05:00

My life is already a rainy day
And you still find ways to hurt me...

My Sleeping Thoughts

2010-01-16T21:00:00.000-05:00

I often remember you right before I fall asleep, right before my mind goes into dreams and just after my body shuts down for the day. Then it happens and I am forced to wake up and continue to think about it, until the process starts all over again.

Another Try

2010-01-15T23:03:00.000-05:00

Today felt warmer than most January days. Maybe because I am warming up to you again or maybe I am just so numb that I don't feel the cold.

Try

2010-01-14T23:38:00.000-05:00

Please. I know I could try harder, but you could try harder too, whoever you are.

When It Goes Away

2010-01-13T23:23:00.001-05:00

I don't even know what to say, it seems like what I used to rely on and look to has faded. Why do the best things have to go away? I have enough problems as it is.

Fall Asleep In The Snow

2010-01-12T22:10:00.001-05:00

I am so exhausted that I could fall asleep in the snow.
Maybe not since I am under my warm covers and struggling to stay awake.
I could fall asleep in the snow if that meant in a warm bed full of blankets and out of the snow.
It was still a good thought though.
Good night early.

A Mobile Life

2010-01-11T21:29:00.001-05:00

I can take most anything with me these days, any item of choice or more can simply be packed up or put in my pocket and are ready to go. Except you. All the things I wish I could take with me anywhere, all of them satisfied, except you.

A New Twist

2010-01-10T22:04:00.002-05:00

I can use a change.
A twist to my everyday routine.
A change in the words that fill the screen.

Could I tell you about my day?
Or could I just continue to vent to the white space?
Who knows, I will just make due.
But I could use something new.

Go Home Heart

2010-01-09T21:53:00.005-05:00

Another night, same migraine of the heart, and same 4 word exchange.
I could put my fear elsewhere but I choose to stay afraid.
Go home with a taste in my mouth remnant of doubt.
Go home with the taste of life watered down and passed.
At least I felt good when the day began.

Alot Of Them

2010-01-08T15:19:00.004-05:00

I am a skeptic.
I have my reasons.

This Not That

2010-01-07T22:55:00.003-05:00

This is not how I do.

I need so much more.

But I will settle.

Because that is how I do.

A Reoccurring Topic

2010-01-06T23:45:00.004-05:00

Sometimes apathy makes life a lot more tolerable.
Thought it can't be a good thing I find it this way.
Ask me a question and I will laugh at it, remind me of my misery and I will treat it as if it was something for the Dada generation of art.
Sometimes apathy makes life a lot more enjoyable.

The reality of the matter is that it is just a diversion to forgot about my misery.

Exit At Your Own Risk

2010-01-05T20:28:00.002-05:00

There are days when all I need is for you to stay.
I quietly beg and hope you understand my non-verbals.
Because I know once I walk out that door it all turns back to fear and doubt.
So I exit at my own risk, because there is no guarentee that I will make it back to the place where I felt you. Until I return and it is the same anxiety all over again, and again.

I Have Been Here Before

2010-01-04T11:28:00.005-05:00

Change without knowledge of it is like enjoying Starry Night without knowing it is really about death.
Hard times made harder because I don't understand the one thing I thought I did.

Starry night come save me.

You Know I Don't

2010-01-03T15:19:00.003-05:00

Human emotion is one of God's most valuable gifts to us.
So why hide it?

Contradiction, Maybe?

2010-01-02T21:27:00.003-05:00

This is who I really am, forever swaying in what it means to be undecided.
Everything in my world needing an answer, a solution, a definition.

I am fine. I am figuring it out on my own. This is who I am.
Everything in my undecided world is fine. Even without the answers.

Why mess with that?
Paranoia? Probably.
Contradiction? Maybe.
Fear? Yes.

Yes.

Another Try

2010-01-01T15:24:00.003-05:00

I choose to think differently.

Challenge my mind to break the cliche binds.

My emotions are often what influence.

I could listen to songs that reiterate how I feel and I could think of all the ones that I want you to hear, but I stop, and step back.

Facts formulate facts. Facts have killed any hopes I have.

Facts have made me rebel.

I choose to think differently.

Continuation

2009-12-11T23:40:00.004-05:00

I have sustained you to a favorable number. Meeting my goals start with the little things I guess. I can't have it all at 21 but should I have to settle for less than what I expect? I want so much more than what I have.

Who am I to decide? Am I simply a pawn bating the oppositions queen to kill me so that a more superior figure can win? Well, yes. It is all a set up.

The favorable number is going to be raised now. There is no finishing here, only continuation.
Continuation can never fail, rather it just keeps you going no matter what the consequence, which brings me back to square one, settling for something that wasn't in my plan.

Contradictory words are lovely.

Define Happiness

2009-12-09T22:30:00.004-05:00

It is hard to delight in the new when you have no one to tell.
Happiness turns to silence and secrets are requiring a vacant, four story hotel.
With no fee to check in, you can stay as long as you like.
Just don't tell your imaginary friends or we will kill you.

I am getting sick of silencing this and lying to people when they ask.

Oh Well

2009-12-08T18:49:00.003-05:00

I am running out of answers to give to myself.
I am running low on fuel and gas light has been on for days.
And now when I thought that I would have to figure my life out, I get a whole new set of responsibilities on top of the ones I already volunteered for.
"Oh well" is the apathetic speech that is never spoken.

It has been a week gone and a repetition here.

Be Me

2009-12-01T20:40:00.003-05:00

Bend me but believe me when I tell you to stop.
Break me but bail me out when I need it most.
Be me until I can bare this all myself and become what I'm meant to be.

It is the bliss of it all that gets me.

For The Sake Of A Catalog

2009-11-30T22:14:00.002-05:00

Meet the requirements and make the deadlines. For if you miss a day it throws it all off.
With a mind that counts down it is hard to find the time to care.

For the sake of a catalog, curriculum, and for the sake of a mind, maniacal.

I won't abide to your sociological time stamps or your gauge for eternal glamor.
Though I will act against conformity, I will not ignore you.

Measure Twice, Cut Once

2009-11-27T23:50:00.004-05:00

I am having a hard time, we are all having a hard time. When will we ever not have a hard time? It is just a part of life that we measure personally. Along with every other aspect of life that is on an individual measurement system we will carelessly measure and cut the wrong parts. Too many times we have measured once and cut more than we wanted or needed.

I Am Thankful For You

2009-11-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

Even when I am somewhere I have never been before and I have no I idea what the next day will bring I can always count on you. Whether you read or support, comment or critique I can count on you. Clique to the holiday doesn't mean it means less. I am thankful for you. Yes you, you know who you are. Who ever you are.

The Dwelling

2009-11-25T23:45:00.002-05:00

Creation is where pure art dwells.

A: No

2009-11-24T22:23:00.004-05:00

Thoughts, emotions, situations. They are all things that can contain opposites happening simultaneously and still work. I guess we call this contradiction but if we took away what it means to oppose we would be left with a system of thoughts, feelings, and situations that would be singular. Q: Do we really want to be singular?

That Day

2009-11-23T22:15:00.003-05:00

I don't want to waste another day but I don't want to have to think about it another minute.
I don't want to waste another day but I feel like every minute could be something new.
I don't want to waste another day but I could use a break from this pain.
I don't want to waste another day but I can't wait for that day when my problems are solved by the winding road.
We will escape this all, the ratio of days gone to time till is growing smaller. I can not wait another day.

Where's My Life Line?

2009-11-20T23:48:00.003-05:00

Patience is my flaw. Though having a safety net helps me keep it in perspective. Once the net clocks out is when I can worry. For now I am fine. The sun hasn't set yet.

Short sentences. Love.

Everything Has Changed

2009-11-19T23:37:00.002-05:00

I am not who I was a year ago, and I am not who I was yesterday.
I do not know who I was then, and I do now know who I am now.
I wonder about who I will be later, but at least I know who I want to be.

Bring Us Time

2009-11-18T22:47:00.003-05:00

Time has always had the upper hand on us. It has always controlled me and you. Not this time, time. You are merely a form of measurement that we will reference like when we track our mileage. Yes, time, you are being put on the same plane as miles per gallon of gas in our car. You will be beneficial to us now because attitudes change even when you give up on them. I am trusting that you will pull through, time, because this time I am serious. You have my attention.

I Live For The Shivers

2009-11-17T18:12:00.003-05:00

I know when my heart is on fire because my body begins to get cold. Turn on the heat in the middle of may because my heart is taking all my bodily warmth. Even when the situation is grim my body starts shake. But often when the occurrence is great is when my body starts to shake. I am sick from the fearful shakes, especially after I had the smiling shivers.

Your Ears Are Enough For Me

2009-11-16T22:44:00.002-05:00

I feel then I fall.
I listen then I lecture.
I open then I oppress.
I accept then I attack.
I want then I withdraw.
I need then I neglect.

You catch when I crash.
You endure when I end.
You define when I detach.
You lead when I linger.
You renew when I ruin.
You love when I leave.

You amplify as I abate.

This Is Now

2009-11-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

We had defeated, delegated, and dreamed for this moment...
but
We have preparation, pride, and production in this moment...
and
We will analyze, articulate, and admire this moment...
yet
We must compress, catalog , and continue after this moment...
for
Every moment is practice for the next moment.

Simplicity

2009-11-12T21:43:00.001-05:00

I will win.

Two Words

2009-11-11T23:09:00.004-05:00

Apathy, quit controlling me.
I have had issues with you in the past, a past that has remained current in time.
Just a few days is all I ask, just a few days and you can have me back.

Apathy, quit enticing me.
You are selective, when the past that has remained becomes a vision of what once was mine.
My vision is not what it used to be, it has become something much larger than me.

Apathy, I give you two words.

Calmed By The Cello

2009-11-10T18:05:00.003-05:00

Bring me back to the windless skies with a perfect storm. One that rattles me enough to fear you but interests me enough to ignite a curious passion. It is not enough to be one or the other, calm or stirred. It is enough to lose it all together and be the listener rather than the composer. Control lies in the amplification of your sound and the intimidation of your art. For now I will explore enough to discover what I like but I will still fight myself with the dissatisfaction of my own and simply listen.

Another Day In Paradise

2009-11-09T12:32:00.002-05:00

All it takes is a step back into reality to realize that optimism works for optimistic. Though when I see that my reaction is up to me, I figure out that I can be realistic in my thoughts and not let you get to me. The way I feel is just as much my decision as it is my situations. Though there will be days that I don't feel like showing you how I really feel, I will still live with integrity for there are other who would kill for my life.

Can I Borrow You For A Minute?

2009-11-06T23:21:00.003-05:00

Bring me around to now, not then and not when. Bring me a laugh with a look that says you are welcome after my gestures of appreciation. What can I do to make the future the way I want? It really depends on how much I allow you to be in control. I could have everything I want if I ignore you, but that's not what you deserve. I will make my moves based on yours and I will make my assumptions without making an ass out of you and me. Patience is what I will strive for and contentment is what I will fall upon when I can no longer keep my patience. It is easy to say but it is so much harder to feel this way.

A Meaningless Correlation

2009-11-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

Hold nothing back, for whatever it is will be revealed at some point in time. These songs are singing to me the words that I want you to hear but I can't share them. So for now I will say I am listening to something instrumental and tell you how much I love the chords. Songs that are meaningless, art that doesn't matter in the end, in a world that has paper plans and symbolic structure for us to follow. Meaningless is meaning more and more to me. But I will never let go of love, for which I am living.

I Learn

2009-11-04T23:23:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I just let the words take their toll as I listen to the song that sounds like it was written by me. The things I can't find words for are sung, the emotions I can't communicate are made into noise and colors. So why are all my songs minors and all my paintings low toned and non-objective? I knew what I need but can't get it so I will continue to bang my head, from the music, on the canvas that doesn't hold any of the colors I desire and still call it art.

When I Worry

2009-11-03T13:42:00.003-05:00

Have I really forgotten what it means to believe? I have spent the last 5 months believing that all I need to do to be happy is to leave the only place I have ever known. What does it mean to believe? Seriously, I need that question answered. How can 4 years of following lead me to be so ill versed in your love? It is never too late to start again so that what I will do. I have recycled the canvas that I painted on in a time of ignorance, covering what was done to impress with something hopefully that can satisfy my needs, on my own. I am by no means an "on my own" type of guy, I need you to help me, yes you. So in the mean time will you answer my questions?

When I worry
Minors sing

The Vacation

2009-11-02T12:22:00.003-05:00

The next two days will be filled with thoughts of the last four days. The vacation that happened thirty miles away from home is now leaving me with the post-vacation syndrome. With an empty schedule and an unoccupied mind it is typical that you would fill my thoughts.

I Just Want To Leave

2009-10-28T22:53:00.001-04:00

I can't even figure out my emotions anymore. It seems as if they are all becoming blurry and blending into something untouchable. I am losing motivation in even a sustainable love. The only motivation I have right now resides in the attempt of escaping and getting away.

Other Company

2009-10-26T21:35:00.003-04:00

Why is it important to have something to look forward to? Well, I have found that when a Monday is actually bearable enough to make it though without a mess then the future is often overlooked. But when the day is expected to be tolerable and then gets shredded into pieces then the things on the schedule becomes your escape. Luckily my week is filled with lovely company.

Well that's my attempt. Awful. Oh and by the way, the skies are purple?

My Half Dream

2009-10-24T19:35:00.004-04:00

So this is how my morning started.

I was awakened, or so I think, by my phone alerting me of an email at 6:01. (I know this was the exact time because I later checked my email and it was timestamped.) I didn't check to see what it was and I didn't even open my eyes because I wasn't that interested. I don't know if I fell back to sleep or not but I know that I heard something whispering a three syllable phrase about two or three times over. The words were coming from my door, which I had left open, and I have never had a stronger feeling of someone standing in my door. I tried to call out the name of who I thought it was, my brother who wasn't even home, but I couldn't say a word. I tried to lift my head and look but I couldn't move a muscle. This didn't last long, probably a max of 30 seconds but after that time had passed I was able to move and I looked at my door and it was closed. I looked at the clock and it still said 6:01. I was sweating as if it were a summer night and I was covered in goosebumps. The only reason why I think this wasn't a dream was because I heard my phone at that exact time and remember thinking to myself "I love my email alert tone." Needless to say, it took me about an hour to fall back asleep and the worst thing about it was that I had an amazing dream about the night I had yesterday but this happening has made it really hard to remember clearly. Damn.

Slow Shutter Surrealism

2009-10-23T23:12:00.001-04:00

Who says we can't lay in the middle or a rain drenched road at midnight? Well, okay I could try to make this a poetic spin on a fun memory, but who likes to photograph a memory? Throw me a word that sounds good off the tongue rather than one that sounds good in context. Give me a ceiling that is monochromatic and only separated by lines. Take the lights and make them a paint brush creating exotic neon lines or even dance around like a fool to make a ghost with a slow shutter. Blah Blah Blah, art can just be fun sometimes right?

Just See Number 3

2009-10-22T23:47:00.005-04:00

Why is it that when I want to express myself I have to conceptualize my ideas and make them presentable?
That's an easy one, responsibility.

Why can't I figure out the correct order of words, shapes, colors, notes, thoughts, rhymes, motions, or hints?
Another easy one, fear.

How is it that I had this entire space filled out with free flowing words and careless thoughts but then just deleted it all?
Could be one of two possibilities; nothing ever sounds rights, or no one can know.

Why did this take me an hour and a half?
Refer back to question 3.

What A Way To End A Day

2009-10-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

I guess a day can be 'make or break' in the last few remaining minutes it offers. How thinking about negative things can bring about a change in personality only your closest friends pick up on and in turn sharing a situation. How do these things all seem to happen basically in simultaneity? It's pretty simple actually, just take time to look at the stars, even if it is while you are lying in bed hoping to fall asleep before the clock hits twelve. Anyway, the side note is that grumpiness and silence worked in my favor tonight, though now exhaustion is calling my name.

Here Nor There

2009-10-20T19:38:00.003-04:00

Have you ever done something in your day that you know you did but you don't really remember anything about it? Maybe your mind was somewhere else when it happened or maybe you zoned out during this time. I do not remember driving to school this morning, I remember being in the car, listening to music, and I also remember the climate. All of this but I can not recall actually steering the car, applying the breaks, and seeing the road. How could I have lost 35 miles and 35 minutes of travel? Was my mind somewhere else, or what it just not there all together? Wherever it was, I know it was on you.

The Metamorphic Migraine

2009-10-19T21:29:00.004-04:00

What if my migraines were trying to tell me something? I do tend to get them while I'm driving to places of purpose. Maybe my mind is creating pain to warn me that I need to focus on something specific in the next few hours, the life span of the migraine usually. But see, that is were the problem lays. My heads aches and pains leave me with an inability to focus most of the time. Thus, leaving me defense less to the warning it is trying to present. This brings me to my never ending relationship analysis between the mind and the heart. What do we do with heart ache? You Know. Don't You?

Just Put It On Repeat Because I Love This Song

2009-10-16T23:15:00.003-04:00

I wish I could sing to you with my voice. To hum something in key or even to whistle something consistently without making the notes seem like a roller coaster ride would make my life. You know, I could sit here and wish I had different voice and I could beg for a trade of talents but how disrespectful is that to the one who gave me my gifts. I can't sing, but I seem to have an unmistakable passion for listening to others sing. Instead of fantasizing over others gifts why don't you appreciate and support others who have that desired talent. If you don't have it, still honor it. Your talents are yours for a reason, we were never meant to wish we were different, we were made the way we were on purpose, it is just that we are too stubborn, proud, dissatisfied unsettled, selfish, and on and on to realize it.

The Clown That Cries

2009-10-15T23:49:00.003-04:00

Sometimes happiness comes down to a mutually loved television show with friends that you consider best and others new. The escape of something horrendous with something that pokes fun at horrendous situations. Laughing at ones situation is how I make it through the day, oh yes, some days its a laugh purely because the situation is so nonsensical and other because it's just so damn scary. That is the laugh not shared with friends during the commercials, but a laugh that is only seen by space and starts out with a head shake and a shrug of the shoulders and slowly turns into tears. It's a breakdown not to be seen, but dying to be uncovered.

This Should Have Been Raw

2009-10-14T22:42:00.004-04:00

I am below you art, I have caved to the censorship that is imposed on me. Words that were spontaneous and seemingly perfect for that moment now are inappropriate and vulgar in hindsight. I break the laws of the abstract expressionists of the 50's and I conform to the contemporary society of today. Though I feel that the art lies in the spontaneity I can settle for a grouping of words that don't hurt, condemn, or show self pity. I was once told that if you have a thought of impulse, right it down and come back to it and see how ridiculous it sounds. Usually it works but not tonight. The words that I composed still seems relevant but I will spare you the turmoil of its trauma. Oh art, I have caved in and censored myself.

Now my words are annoying me.
I am supposed to be creating art, not complaining.

Flicker

2009-10-13T21:00:00.003-04:00

I could play the same chord progression for hours because it helps to escape this reality. I could paint the same line in the same color with the same brush on a hundred canvases because it keeps the passion burning. Repetition of the simple things creates complex things. Even when you do bad simple things, they will turn into bad complex things. Plan for the future because it is waiting on us. What is a week, a month, a year away is already determined and it is just waiting for our moves and decisions. So for now the hurt is becoming numb and the pain comes from the wait.

These migraines are flickering, why can't they just go numb too?

The Printshop Epiphany

2009-10-12T20:51:00.003-04:00

I just want to sell all of my divergent digital devices and use all the money I get from them to make art. Unfortunately, one of my most favorite art mediums is photography, but that just means I can go back to real photography, film based. There is just something about creating something beautiful and unique with your hands that makes it so much more appreciated as art. Spending 6 hours in a print shop doing run after run and eventually having a total of 12 colors from just doing 4 runs. Lets get back to the basics and create with our hands rather than our computers. Make one piece with passion rather than one hundred identical pieces with greed.

I'm looking at you through the glass... and the mirror.

My Movie Mind

2009-10-09T23:27:00.005-04:00

Wouldn't you love if life was like a movie. The typical slow start that all movies seem to have where the characters are just introduced and you can't seem to remember their names. Once you finally get all the characters straight you are set to understand the plot. The main character always has their set backs but they usually work those out. Then the climax is usually towards the end and is almost always suspenseful, which is what we always love. After all the suspense is over and the story lines converge you get your all important happy ending. Oh, how great it would be if life was this and for most of us we will get our happy endings. But the way it unfolds determines your genre, and I would love a romantic comedy, but mine is looking like a mysterious, mind bender.

One Phrase. Two Words. Figure It Out.

2009-10-08T23:40:00.004-04:00

It's true, as much as we want it not to be, it is. The world revolves around money. I can't be happy because my money won't let me be. I can't enjoy the things I used to because my money won't let me be. I can't have a normal family because my money won't let me. The burden is huge and its impact has and will be felt for many more years but I am going to find a way. Cliche phrases have become my life. Don't trust anyone. If you want something done right, do it yourself. The world revolves around money. This part of my life maybe decided, but I not let it ruin what I have control over. I will fight and I will cry, I will pay all I will give. I will do all I can to stop the bleeding.

To All You Damn Critics, There Will Be More To Come

2009-10-07T16:43:00.005-04:00

Do not ask me what art is, for I cannot decide for you. Art can be from within or without. It can be from your heart or from your mind. Throw someone, anyone into a forest and ask them to create, my guess is that they will create something relative. Creation is art, art is creation. Tell a man to build a chair, my guess is that he will think about form. Form is art, art is form. It is something that I have given up trying to explain for I have all of creation to explain for me. Art, oh art, why did we have to go and coin your name, why can't it just be a given, like life and death? People will try to make you something your not, but you will stand firm in your existence. For people do not understand what it means to freely create.

Leave someone in silence long enough and they will try to make a sound.

Ode To October

2009-10-06T18:51:00.000-04:00

You have stolen my summer and left me hoping for a fall. I have fallen for you October, I have been waiting for this pleasantry for years. The past has not been what I have wanted, needed, or even deserved but now I have a new found desire for your season. I can handle the chill of the air with the warmth of your touch. I can handle the death of the flower with the life of your breath, Oh Fall, I can handle falling for you.

My Firsts And My Burgundy Picture

2009-10-05T15:43:00.007-04:00

I'll save my first thought for another day for my mind acts on impulse. The second thought is the one I need to hear anyway. The succession of my mental procession is only the true confession of life without digression and recession. Though, the mind needs to work in cooperation with the hearts passion. So, the second thought is simply a rendered and refined version of the first. No worries, I keep all of my first thought processes in a folder along with my dreams.

I don't mean to rhyme, I just like to mean to flow.
Coincidentally burgundy flows.

The Song

2009-10-01T23:13:00.003-04:00

I'm like the song that's chords could go either way, without the words it's hard to tell what emotion it evokes. The smooth strumming of the strings is warm and soothing. Add the words. The feelings have changed. Some words change the chords and make them sorrowful and low. Other words bring the chords around to hope that is within us all. Right now, I prefer the instrumental version of my favorite song. Maybe there is a reason why I fail to add words to the songs I write. Am I avoiding something? You tell me.

Artificial Warmth

2009-09-30T23:31:00.003-04:00

The tapping of my foot on the drivers side floor panel in junction with the in-dash heat dispenser is what makes me feel this high. The rain has been dancing on the road for days now and the blanketing warmth of a hot seat is providing me only temporary satisfaction. I need something more than this artificial warmth, I need a warmth that exceeds the four door boundaries, one that can be felt for days rather than hours, a kind that only two arms can bring. The warmth I desire lies in you.

There Are Many, But They're Precise

2009-09-29T22:54:00.003-04:00

All of these mind numbing numbers are starting to spell out words. The figures that I used to add together to equate my solutions are now speaking languages of hope. The numbers are simply guides now, they used to be strict rules of regulation and disadvantage, but for the strangest of reason have lost their strong hold. They are transforming before our vary eyes, the numbers are now words, look and see. And they aren't just random words, they are words that we needed to hear.

Go.
Do.
Be.

Now

2009-09-28T21:13:00.005-04:00

You don't know what I look like, you don't know what I know. I could make these numerous attempts so much easier but I choose not to. It's the fear, it's the hope. I'll be short in response because I assure you that I will be efficient in the end. This agonizing Fall won't slow me down.

Pleasant Pictures Are All I Have Left

2009-09-23T23:16:00.005-04:00

An image of what used to be is becoming my contemporary art form. The ruins are shinning and my eyes are attracted to the destroyed. An unhealthy habit led to and unforced desperation. It will never be the way it used to be and when it seems like we have reached the all time low, there is another piece to the puzzle unearthed. Please take this horror away. Let me breathe and enjoy life without these debts. I know that you will come through for us all and be there. But for now I will delight in the divergence. Pleasant picture save me now.